SELF-LOVE | THE UNTAPPED SUPERPOWER IN AUTISM

One day, a little boy came home from school early. When he reached home, his mom asked, "What happened? Why did you come home so early ?". The little boy took out a note from his bag & said, the teacher sent me home & asked me to give this note to you. His mother's eyes were tearful as she read the letter out loud to him "Your son is a genius. The school is too small for him & doesn't have enough good teachers for training him. Please teach him yourself."So, he was homeschooled by his mother from that day. 

Many years later, the boy who had grown up found a small piece of folded paper in his cupboard. He opened it & it was written "Your son is mentally ill. We won't let him come to school anymore."

The boy was none other than the famous Thomas Edison, one of the greatest inventors of the century!

Thomas Edison was dyslexic & had hearing difficulties. Yet, he became one of the most prolific inventors of all time & a successful manufacturer and businessman as well.

How ?

Because his mother believed in him no matter what anyone else said & that belief made Thomas Edison who he became.....

There are many inspiring stories of famous people, & there's one thing common in them "Those who believe in themselves or have someone who believes strongly in them, no matter what, become very successful in life.

 

Why am I telling this story? How is it relevant/helpful to children & parents? Want to know what it is about? Read on...

I believe the most important aspect of any person be it a child/adult is the ability to love oneself (which is also the most underrated aspect). This is the area where a lot of us struggle & yet put it aside thinking it's unimportant. Whereas the ability to love oneself is the most important quality, I would emphasize the single most important quality that anyone needs to succeed & be happy in life.

Loving oneself is not selfishness. It is the innate desire of any human being to be loved, to be accepted by others the way they are. One cannot flow love unto others if he doesn't have it for himself.

The question is, why am I writing on this topic? What does it have to do with children & how does self-love affect a child's life? Is it essential to teach self-love to children? If yes, how? Read on to find out the answers...

                   

Why teach Self-love to children? 

Is it necessary to teach self-love to children? The answer is absolutely 100% yes. I would say if you are a parent, the most valuable lesson that you can teach your child is how to love themselves no matter what.

Why? 

Mostly children from a very early stage are labeled as "good" or "bad" or "mischievous" or "disobedient" or any other labeling based on their behavior or actions as interpreted by parents & society. They learn a set of rules & good behavior to please their parents, teachers or society which is absolutely necessary for them to learn. Yet, many a time, in fact, a lot of times, the kids grow up listening to "what to do" but mostly "what not do".

Mostly, parents, teachers, society, or any other adult is so obsessed with "their way of doing things", or what they feel is right for the child, they don't allow the child even to want anything different or do what a child wants their own way.

Yes, we are all guilty of this attitude. Since I have struggled with this for a long time, & getting to work with different kids & their parents, I strongly feel it is high time that we teach children, above all, to like themselves, to have their own views & to understand that their views are equally important.

What are the consequences?

Lack of self-love leads to a lot of bottled up feelings & unexpressed emotions which takes a toll when they grow up. 

😟These kids have less confidence in anything they do. 

😟They are scared of exploring things or participating in events at school or any other place, for fear of being judged or fear of making mistakes.

😟They are scared to express themselves in front of other people even their own parents.

😟They might lack the confidence to participate in simple tasks even if they are good at it for this fear that they might do it wrong displeasing their parents or teachers. 

😟They either do not have a choice/opinion about things or are scared to express their opinions.

😟They cannot take a stand for themselves.

😟They have a hard time making friends as they feel inferior to other people.

That is why it is very very essential to teach children to love themselves from a very early stage.

Why is self-love so important for children with ASD?

Children with Autism or ASD face a lot more judgments from society than their normal peers. They hear a lot more "no's" from their parents, teachers, therapists, etc throughout the day. On top of that, they are unable to express themselves mostly which makes it even harder for them.

This leads to a feeling of inferiority in them, a lack of confidence even to do simple tasks & thus prevents them from growing up to their full potential if we do not teach them how to accept themselves just the way they are.

Whereas those kids whose parents, teachers & therapists are always encouraging, optimistic & hopeful, who celebrate their little achievements grow up to be confident, happy & successful adults.

In my work period, I have come across the parents who focus more on their child's strengths, just proud of who they are & that really affects their child's progress tremendously in a positive way. These children not only develop faster but also grow up to be more happy, more successful & more confident kids as compared to those kids whose parents focus more on the weaknesses or "how to correct" their child always.

So, this was about how important it is to inculcate "self-love" in children from an early stage. Now, the question is, how do we teach children to love & accept themselves from a young age? 

How to teach self-love to children?

😄 Allow them to make some mistakes 

As humans, WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES sometimes in our life. It is a part of learning, experiencing life. Whereas, when it comes to children, we usually expect them to be perfect most of the time.

While it is important for children to know the difference between "right & wrong", "good & bad", they should be allowed to make mistakes too.

Since kids learn through exploration, through trials & errors, through experimenting, they should be allowed to make mistakes & then correcting them instead of the parent doing everything in the correct way for them or expecting them to be correct all the time. (unless it's a matter of safety for the child or anyone else).

If he/she makes any mistake, tell them it is a mistake but it's okay. Point it out once, tell them the correct way & move on. Don't sit with the mistake for a long time.

Let them know that it is a mistake, a part of learning & it doesn't define them. Most importantly, teach them to correct that mistake & MOVE ON.

😄  Listen to your child without interrupting 

Example: “The neighbor threw my ball over the fence, and I can’t get it! He did it on purpose!”

Help them to name the emotion that they are feeling. Example “It wasn’t fair that the neighbor boy threw your ball over the fence. I understand that you probably feel frustrated and angry right now.”

Propose a possible solution and offer a life lesson with it to create structure.

Example: “You and I can go next door and get the ball. We will speak with the boy and his parents and discuss that it’s not okay to take someone else’s toy and throw it over the fence.”

Offering solutions and life lessons help teach your children how to deal with their struggles, understand their emotional response, and learn how to respond.

I would like to emphasize on "genuinely listening to what they are saying", instead of just waiting for them to finish so that YOU CAN TELL YOUR POINT & PROVE THEM HOW RIGHT YOU ARE & HOW WRONG THEY ARE. I have faced this with my parents many a times, even till now & it never ever helps! All it does is create a gap in your relationship with your child.

When we listen carefully to the child, instead of trying to prove “parents are always right !”,it not only boosts their confidence & sense of worthiness, it also gives them a safe space that they can reach out whenever they do a mistake, it teaches them to value their own views & opinions as much as others which is the most important part of building a strong self-esteem.

This also,a lot of times gives parents a new perspective of looking at things which builds a great parent-child bonding…

😄  Ask your child about their feelings 

Ask them “how are you feeling today?”

“What do you want to do with us today ?”

Asking your kids how are they feeling and listening to them carefully and calmly makes them feel heard, they feel loved and understand that you care about their feelings.

• If your child is upset or feeling depressed, he might be disinterested to do some daily tasks like engaging in some activities or online sessions, or even not willing to take food. If your child is doing any of these, it’s time that instead of scolding him or forcing him to do the task, we should ask him how he is feeling ? Is he upset or feeling overwhelmed ?

Ask and listen to him.

When kids feel overwhelmed and stressed out or anxious, due to any reason, they might show some unusual tantrums, even self-harming behaviors, or just crying for no reason…. At these times it’s very important for us to keep our patience, understand that the Child is not being disrespectful, he is going through a lot of stress that he can’t handle…..

Using an emotions chart can be very useful for kids who cannot verbalize their feelings.

Giving a hug, a pat, telling them that it’s okay…. And you are there with them helps them to calm down slowly….

When you ask them how they are feeling, they open up more to you whenever they feel any stress or anxiety. They can express themselves better if they know that their feelings matter and they will be heard !

If they tell you that they feel worried or anxious about anything, tell them it’s going to be okay!

That you love them and you are always there with them !

 

😄  Make them feel important 

Your child is important to you. He is valuable. He should know that from your actions, your attitude towards him can either be of a caring, optimistic, understanding parent which will help your child become a loving, compassionate, confident individual

When your kids want to talk to you, put aside what you’re doing, look them in the eye and be genuinely interested in what they’re talking about. It may only take a minute or two for the entire conversation, but it will make such a positive lasting impression for them. The last thing you want is for them to feel that your iPhone is more important than they are.

😄  Tell them "I love you"

Say “I love you” to your children all the time. No, it won’t lose its effect if you use it multiple times throughout the day. Every child wants to be loved & appreciated by all, BUT MOST OF ALL BY THEIR PARENTS!

Make sure that they never doubt that you love them. Even when they get a bit older and they seem like they’re sick of hearing it, they’re not! Keep saying it.

Another pointer: When talking to friends or relatives, I know it can be easy to vent about the latest trouble your little ones may have gotten into. Try to focus on the good, and make sure they overhear you praising and speaking highly of them.

You will be amazed at how good, obedient children they become if they listen to more praises than complaints from you.

😄 Allow your child to choose 

Allow your child to make small choices from an early stage like- selecting a dress of their choice in the market, or, selecting the items for school which they want (colours, pencils, notebooks, water bottles, etc).

Respect their choices. If they select something that is inappropriate for them or out of your budget, then calmly say to them, "you have a good choice. But, let us look at some other options which might be even more attractive & fun." Whenever possible, go with their choice. If it is a mistake, allow them to experience it first & then correct their own mistakes the next time.

If your child cannot select, show them a few items. Example- show them 3-4 dresses & ask to choose from those. Encourage them to select for themselves.

Choosing for themselves gives a child a sense of confidence & helps to raise their self-esteem.

😄 Practice Independence

Allow children to be independent in their own tasks from an early age like teeth brushing, removing & wearing clothes, eating with own hands, arranging their own books. As much as possible, allow them to do it with your supervision or minimal assistance. Even if they cannot do the task perfectly, be okay with their imperfection. You can help them when they are finished with how much they can complete on their own.

Children always copy their parents. You can teach them how to do their tasks by doing them yourself infront of them.

Being able to do their own daily tasks gives them a sense of confidence & self-worth from an early stage.

 

 😄 Write down about what you like 

You can teach your children self-love and gratitude by giving them:

small topics (that make them feel good about themselves)

to write every day.

You can include the following points for examples.

• Write down 5 points on, what you like about yourself

• Write down 5 points on, what you like about your family

• Write down 5 good habits that you practice every day

• Write down which is your favorite class/subject & why

• Write down which is your favorite activity or game at home & why

 If they cannot write, you can just ask them to tell you about those points mentioned above.

If your child is nonverbal & hasn’t learned to write,

you can explain to them:-

• Why do you love him/her

• What did she do in the day that you really liked

Ex- Today You sang a rhyme in your class & it was awesome!)

• What good habits she does every day which you are so proud of

(Ex- You brush your own teeth, or,

You put your toys back after using them,

you are such a good girl & I am so proud of you)

You can incorporate this strategy according to the age & understanding level of your child.

😄 Practice Appreciation 

Let’s practice appreciation ! Kids go through a lot as mentioned above and most of all , they can’t express what they are going through well enough (especially kids with special needs) ; so, appreciating their little efforts with your chores or something they did on their own, their work, their small achievements, making them feel loved goes a long way to build their sense of worthiness and makes them feel important. It also helps to establish a wonderful bonding between parents and children.

The above were some simple ways to incorporate self-love in children. They are general guidelines which can be adapted according to the age & understanding of your child. 

Most importantly, be a good role model. Be the way you want your child to be. Children don't do what you ask them to do, they do what you do! 

Self-love is something most of us struggle with to some extent be it a child or an adult. The consequences of not appreciating oneself can be very detrimental affecting many important areas of your life & it can take lifelong to learn the value of loving & respecting ourselves as much as others.

It can lead to self-criticism, self-doubt, insecurities & in some cases making you a bully. 

Therefore, more than anything else, it should be of the highest priority to teach children the value of appreciating themselves, loving themselves the way they are, focusing on their own strengths no matter what anyone else says.

Even before teaching children to love themselves, we should learn to love ourselves, our beautiful selves the way we are & love our children the way they are! 💝

Remember your superpower is-  loving yourself! 

So, Start Practicing Self-love! 💖💗

Happy parenting to all my readers!

About the writer :-

The writer’s name is Abhipsa Parida. She is an occupational therapist specialised in pediatrics and has been handling kids with special needs since 5 years. She is quite experienced and skillful in observation, assessment and planning intervention for kids with special needs. She uses evidence based practice and is very creative and updated in her approach while handling kids with special needs. She has her own clinic in Bhubaneswar and has handled many kids of different age groups with varying needs.

If you have any queries, you can mail them at abhipsaot21@gmail.